When I hide...do you promise to seek?

The bottom line is, life's not fair. It never claimed to be. There's always going to be that kind-hearted person who suffers more than their stuck-up neighbor. Beautiful spirits are guaranteed to cry a whole lot more than those who contain as much inner depth as the Dead Sea carries fish. You can slave hours over a research project just to see your perfunctory friend walk off with first prize. Sure, that's what life's going to offer, but sometimes we focus too much on this unfairness. Sometimes we take that pebble in our lives and throw it across the water just to watch it skip across the surface, spreading its rippling effect out across our view longer than it has to. We're often guilty of illuminating our perception of it. This isn't to say that people don't suffer, and that your problems aren't real. The world is lacking in empathy, but that doesn't mean you have to, especially in regards to yourself. It's alright to feel, and it's also okay to feel a little down on yourself sometimes. Congratulations, you're one of those human souls conscious of that deeper level of life. You can stop checking your pulse now, you're human, and still alive and aware. You can see its darkness, temptations, pain, suffering...and hopefully you're one of those people who can also come up for air and become re-aware of its beauty, pleasure, kindness, and love.

We have become a society filled with self-pity. It's not an unknown fact that you can easily look around at any moment and begin to feel self-conscious as the non-wrinkled 60-year olds look down at you. The juice-heads may tower over you, making the ground you walk upon shake. The pretty girls may tan their skin to an even shade and whiten their teeth to perfection. And yes, someone's hair is probably going to look better than yours at some point in your life. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we ever stop and superficially compare these strangers, acquaintances, friends, or loved ones to ourselves? And the funny thing is, they're most likely doing the same exact thing. You are who you are, and you have so much to offer the world that no other person can in the same exact way.

As we grow up, we experience more than we ever imagined possible in our once simpler lives. We meet people who hurt us, betray us, and judge us. But we'll learn that to ever be truly happy and enjoy ourselves, we must swallow our fear of those dark shadows in life, filled with those mysterious, conniving souls. We'll learn to trust ourselves more than others, but also to allow our lives to open up to newcomers as we gain a new level of wisdom. It's through our own minds and hearts that we must assess who we let in and who we need to stay, or go. And we'll grow proud of ourselves and stronger as we hold our heads higher, laugh a littler louder, and shine that much brighter.

However, life's not a plateau, no matter how strong we get, or how solid our steps become. There's always going to be that obstacle, that unexpected path, or stump that trips our feet. When it comes to love, it can make us happier than ever before. We may begin to walk so fast it's as if we're flying, our heads in the clouds with a clear view ahead. But time allows for an eclectic setting in life, the possibilities endless. Love can make us stronger than ever before, serving as the plaster to our dented hearts, and matching so perfectly we wonder how we ever beat on without it. But even in love you'll find yourself stuck within moments of insecure branches that trip you up. And some may catch you so off guard that you'll take a little longer getting up. But why you ask? I was skipping along just fine, humming through a smile....

Katharine Hepburn answered this question with,

"Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get only with what you are expecting to give which is everything."

Sometimes in love, insecurities and self-consciousness comes from a new place within us. It isn't because we're weak individuals, and it isn't because we've fallen back in time and lost our inner strength or self-confidence. Take a deeper look into the definitions of those words. Love provokes a whole new level of uncertainties, and with these comes that self-consciousness. It doesn't matter if you date the most compassionate saint. At one time in your relationship you'll feel this way, and it's not because you doubt how you or your significant other feels. You could both be ready to walk down the aisle, but you'll still be straightening your tie, or rummaging with your dress, asking if you look as beautiful as you want to feel. And this time it's because of different reasons. It's not because you need to feel self-confident, nor because you want to be the prettiest girl in the room or the handsomest guy on the dance floor. The reason this time is because you want to remain that everything to the one you love. You want to stay that twinkle in their eyes. And our uncertainties as to how they'll react to changes within us, both those above and below the surface, will petrify us.

This time, when we trip over that stump as we skip along happily in love, we'll hesitate not because we can't get back up, but because our loved one awaits just in view ahead. And perhaps a few tears will escape as we ask, "Why right now, why this complication on such a delightful path?" And we may subconsciously then look down at our clothes and see them covered in mud...and we'll get the urge to run and hide for this isn't the way we wanted our loved one to see us...that perfect visual soiled. And this time we'll hide because we're so in love we want to offer everything to that other person, because in our eyes they're perfect, and because to us, they deserve the best there is. And whenever we fear we may not meet that definition, our uncertainty of the other's response will provoke that impulse to hide ourselves, cover-up the imperfections, wishing ourselves to magically sparkle clean and beautiful once again before we're seen.

Well, we can blow all the dandelions we want, making wish after wish, but those clothes are not going to wash themselves in mid-air, when we're isolated, away from any hope of recovery. For when we remain hidden, there's no moving forward. There's no answer to our uncertainty, and there's no response that can be seen--whether that be a look of disgust or abandonment, a tear-stained kiss, or a healing hug. At some point we have to come out of hiding and face what lies ahead. That's the only way we can ever look forward to skipping again, the only way we can ever flaunt our uniquely mud-splattered clothes. We need to trust the one we love and the fact that what's going to happen in life will happen, and we must continue on strongly. Our only hope is to uncover ourselves and reveal who we are, every part of us that at some point must be seen. We just have to pray that it's enough, and have faith in ourselves and all we can offer.

And if we're lucky, when we're ready to step out from behind that tree, we may just feel a hand pull ours and help guide us back out into the sunlight. And we just may get that kiss and that long-awaited hug that you desired before you ever fell and lost your way. And if we're not quite ready to step back into the open, maybe we'll find that other person right up-close next to us, ready to hide by our side for as long as we need. And as we stare into the eyes of our loved one and still see that sparkling image of ourselves reflect in them, we'll watch our worries and all of the momentary uncertainties dissolve away under the sun. And perhaps this time, you'll find yourself skipping arm in arm...smiling wider than ever...because the one you love still recognized you behind that tree...and still loved you, because you were still their everything. And everything was all you ever wanted for them, because through them you already had it too.


Photo by: Chris Craymer "Romance"

Blankets of Love: warmth, comfort, and...cover?

"Love is when you can be your true self with someone, and you only want to be your true self because of them."
-Terri Guillemets

Love. How is it that such a short word holds some of the greatest mysteries, complexities, and consist of the greatest worth that can be found in life? Interpretations of it are endless, a myriad of eclectic descriptions that transform and grow daily, by the seconds, by every life altering action... Yet amidst all of the unique differences still lies a concept threaded with familiarity--an understanding felt among us all as to what it means, the power it holds. As we age we discover the many qualities of it that pertain to us, and learn to categorize it in different levels within our own lives.

Within family lies the most primitive and essential kind of love. If you're lucky you'll also find it to be the longest known form of it. A bond felt the moment you're born though far from understanding its value or the meaning behind it all. You'll absorb it through the very first smiles you view of the people who created you, and soon the others you grow through, the ones who take care of you, nurture you, guide you. If you're fortunate enough, they'll be the people who stay by your side through the shining moments of your life and the darkest. They're categorized by the ones who you can't help but love. You'll fight, and get on one another's nerves through the disagreements you'll be bound to face, but they'll pass as time does, and you'll hopefully realize how precious this kind of love is. Acceptance for each other, and love without need for attraction or masks or fear because you know they've been through it all with you. Ugly days, beautiful ones, dressed up, dressed down, crying, smiling...they're the first ones with hugs and honesty and comfort within the home they create for you through their love that you can always come back to.

Then there's the love uncovered next through friends as bonds are created as the result of shared experiences, and relatable feelings that will emerge and draw you in exposing your opinions, dreams, and view on the life you're still trying to figure out yourself. And you'll uncover trust as you open up to them with the vulnerable hope that they'll be there for you if you're there for them. And no matter how much time passes, you'll carry a piece of them and how they've helped you, or what they've taught you, and you'll love them for that time, and for that new wisdom left within you. Maybe they'll stay with you or maybe they'll just leave imprints upon you you'll always remember in some way, whether it's a little bit more about who you are, or who you aren't.

An important, yet dreadful kind of love that mustn't be overlooked is the "fake, empty love" that we try to force out of people we'll meet along the way. Perhaps a middle school crush, or just a person you try desperately to scratch through the surface of to find anything that feels like the word's supposed to. And you may become exasperated when you realize that it's just not there. We too often are in such a hurry to uncover love that we hold onto these people with the hope that it'll just magically appear one day, that they'll change, or your thoughts about it will. But it won't. Even those naive about love know how it's supposed to feel, what feels right, what has potential. This doesn't mean it's worthless, but it's not love, and hopefully we eventually realize how it's not worth all the time we give it either. Or the effort. And most of all, not worth the emptiness felt within it. It'll tear at our emotions and question who we are, what we want, and what love even is. That's just ourselves fighting for the truth, gasping for pure air so that we may once again break free of this trap if we ever want to find more. It requires strength. But we need to experience this sorrowful imitation, this fraud of the word before we can truly appreciate the real when we find it, or perhaps just that which is already in our lives.

And then there's the most sought after kind of love. The kind that is pure, and real, and one that even the darkest cynic secretly longs for. Pure, head over heels, affectionate love. This kind of love can be the most powerful, most amazing, and at times the scariest, as it plunges you into new feelings and emotions you can't compare to anything else. There are no guidelines, no safety nets, and no sense to it all for it is something beyond our analyzations, structured definitions, and tangible emotions. It's out of our control. When you enter into love, you slowly open up your heart and soul to that one other person and trust them to treat them well. Everything's exposed--the most vulnerable state you can be in. And as exhilarating as that breeze around our bare selves is, its power scares us. We may shiver and flinch as that person tries to understand what they're seeing, that new state of ourselves that even we can't help but observe. It's a whole new reflection and there is no hiding. What we must learn to do is to face it, embrace it, and cherish it while we can. Because it's in this open state that we can transform into the most beautiful image of ourselves...if we allow it.


Photo by: Steven Meisel, Vogue 2009

Smudges on our reflections...

A scratch on a painting. A smudge on glass that once sparkled. Tarnished gold. A wrinkle in your clothes...on your face. Each one of the first things you notice when you walk into a room, right? Not necessarily, yet maybe eventually. But why must these little things stand out so much and distort our vision of seeing something that's still the same object, something still wonderful...something still consisting of overall beauty? Does our focus have to remain upon that fault...especially when it's our own? But, then again, who says that it has to? Why can't we find the strength to conquer the ACTUAL fault--formulated within each and every member of society since it was able to take hold of our minds?

Babies don't know the difference between a mother with a big nose, or a crooked tooth, short hair, long hair, or a model. They are the truest form of purity within human nature for a reason. All they know is who feeds them, comforts them, and loves them. Why must this change? Not all of us let society corrupt our vision of what makes a person one of substance or value, someone a friend or a lover. But we're still all guilty at one time or another, no matter how perfect, of being that horrible self criticizer. If we're in that commendable part of the human race able to see the good in someone without focusing on his or her "society-deemed" imperfections, then where is the compassion for ourselves when we need it the most? Why do we lose that reality of the total picture and focus all of our energy and worry on faults of our own? And I don't mean character ones we're capable of changing. I'm not talking about the wrinkled shirt we can iron back to new. I'm referring to those scratches embedded within ourselves, those physical ones we can't just wash away. I mean the ones that tarnish the reflection we see when we look at ourselves. Something a little more complicated than a wrinkle in a shirt or a smudge on your face. And then you try to hide that "flaw" the best you can, holding on to the hope that others won't notice it, or you. In reality, many probably don't, or perhaps they just don't pay any mind to it. Sometimes trying to hide something, or focusing too much of your attention on it is what actually draws others to notice it at all. And most of the time, acting this way does not help the matter. It only brings a part of your self-conscious character out into the open for others to see. And this is a part of you that doesn't need to surface past the point of being humble.

We lose focus on the good qualities within us and let those that don't quite meet our criteria, those not part of our original physical makeup that emerge, take hold of our minds and attitudes. They're only clouds over our sunshine. But how is the sun supposed to shine again if you don't provide the windy strength to push that darkness over yourself away? The clouds will still be there, for you can't always have clear, blue skies in life, but you can still push them out of your way and shine through it. And who doesn't smile and brighten up when sunbeams appear after a dark, dreary day? It subconsciously gives us the reminder and hope that we can do the same and find the power to push through whatever we're allowing to block the beauty that we do behold. The change in you and your mindset will make others come around as well. We have to believe this, and we have to find this strength to overcome our self-obsessions on the reality we cannot change. Hope and faith are powerful things and we have to believe in the best. Each one of us is a beautiful painting.

Each one of us can shine if we let ourselves. Some of us have permanent smears and smudges there since production, some are knicks, dents, and faded colors that appear along the way, and others seem to have hardly any visible imperfections at first glance. But is their picture as exciting as yours? Their story? Their final product? That's for the viewers to determine...and ourselves. Many things we'll focus on in the mirror when looking at our reflections; it's natural. Some things we're just born with and they become a part of our appearance, characteristics, and overall identity. Other things will appear and change as we age, and this will petrify us. Some we'll be able to hide and fix: Gray hairs colored back to life, dark circles hidden, teeth whitened, arms strengthened, bodies toned. Others may require more serious measures to change: Surgery, doctors, treatments. And others we may never be able to alter or fix. And if we could, is it really worth it half the time? Would we even be happy with the change once it's made? And would a bigger part of ourselves be lost after it all? The reality is we're always going to wish we could change something physical about the makeup of ourselves, new and old things we'll still refer to as "imperfections". We're only human, and we need to give ourselves a break too amidst all the pressure, judgment, and expectations out there in a world filled with shallowness.

But while we hide behind these with worry for what we fear, we mustn't dwell in this state for too long. We can't allow ourselves to lose the spark that makes us who we are. We must remember we're created from an eclectic mix of genes, and this is what makes us unique. We must work with our faults, hold our heads high, work past self- and societal criticisms, and beam through it all with a smile. Maybe it's true when they say those who go through the most in life are the strongest, the most empathetic, the most full of life... or maybe it's just those who work through the obstacles and trudge through whatever life throws at them with a smile and with love to give that are the strongest and most admirable. May this be something to work at each day and remember when you're down on yourself. There are so many more important things in life, and wonderful things about yourself and what you can offer, And if you do this, you'll probably see your reflection sparkle with beauty once again.



Photo 1: Keke by Arthur Elgort
Photo 2: Raquel Zimmerman by Steven Klein